Like Beckham
by ClownWhosFeelnDown
Summary: like beckham


**John: **David Beckham gets the ball yet again for Manchester United. He's really taking responsibility every time they have possession. This is really a reflection of the way he's been playing and captaining England. He seems to have matured so much as a player He's dominating proceedings here but, hoping perhaps to get a bit more support as he gathers the ball on this right-hand touchline time after time. And the Old Trafford crowd warming now to the way Beckham is taking over, but the big questionmark here against Manchester United is, where is the goal going to come from to break down Anderlecht? Will it be Scholes? Could it possibly be Ryan Giggs? Would it possibly be Beckham himself who breaks through? Because Anderlecht are playing a very controlled game. This is Radzinski, testing the United defence, and Sylvestre here at left back possibly with a chance to break forward on the other flank. And there's the ball that Beckham really wants. Oh that looked like a body check there, but he shrugged off the defender. Still Beckham, plenty in the middle, It's a decent cross, and there is Bhamra. It's a fine header, and she's scored! Oh it's a goal by Jess Bhamra! A superb header here, beating the defender, and planting the ball beyond the goalkeeper's left hand. Jess Bhamra makes a name for herself at Old Trafford! And have we discovered a new star here, Gary Lineker?

**Gary: **That's right John. Could Jess Bhamra be the answer to England's prayers? Al?

**Alan: **Oh, there's no denying the talent, Quick thinking, comfortable on the ball, vision and awareness - absolutely magnificent. Tell you what, I wish she was playing for Scotland!

**Gary: **John, do you think England have found the player to relive their ' World Cup glory?

**John: **Definitely Gary, I think we've definitely found the missing piece of the jigsaw and the best thing is, she's not even reached her peak yet.

**Gary: **Ok thanks John. We're joined in the studio now by Jessie's mother, Mrs Bhamra. - Mrs Bhamra, you must be very proud of your daughter.

**Jess's Mother: **- Not at all! She shouldn't be running around with all these men showing her bare legs to 70,000 people! She's bringing shame on the family. And you three shouldn't encourage her! Jesminder, you get back home now!

**Jess's Mother at the door: **Jessminder, are you listening to me? Have you gone mad? Football, shootball! Your sister's getting engaged, and you're sitting here watching this skinhead boy!

**Jess: **Mum, it's Beckham's corner!

**Jess's Mother: **Come downstairs. Your sister's going crazy.

**Pinky: **Mum, I haven't got all day, I've got to go! Mum, where are my keys? I can't find them anywhere.

**Jess: **I'm sick of this wedding and it hasn't even started!

**Pinky: **Can you hurry up. I'm telling you Mum, that girl is a first-class b****!

**Jess's Mother: **- Pinky, you've got so many others!

**Pinky: **- Yeah But now I need to get another one! - Will you get a flaming move on!

**Jess: **- What the hell's going on?

**Pinky: **Get this yeah. Teet's bloody sister has gone and said she's wearing baby pink now. Stupid cow! I had matching accessories and everything!

**Jess: **Mum, do I have to go shopping again?

**Jess's Mother: **My mother chose all my 21 dowry suits herself. I never once complained. You girls are too spoilt! Now don't forget my dhania. Four bunches for a pound. And more carrots. I'm making achar.

**Jess & Pinkie: **Oh, Mum, don't do pickle as well!

**Jess's Mother: **Am I asking you two to make it?!

**At Shop - Pinkie's friend: **Hi, Pinks! Are you all right? What are doing here man? You haven't left everything to the last minute, have you?

**Pinkie: **Yeah. One more day of freedom! - Where did you get your contacts?

**Pinkie's friend: **- Like 'em? Just thought they went with my hair innit.

**Pinkie: **My fiance don't like dyed hair. Still can't stand chatting here all day. I got to go to Ealing for my facial. Laters!

**Pinkie's friends: **Bye, Pinks. Laters.

**Pinkie: **Stupid b****! Why did she get blue contacts? Now I can't wear mine can I?

**In another shop Jules: **You're mad, I wouldn't be seen dead in that!

**Jules's' Mum: **They're all the rage, poppet! You blow 'em up, just like a lilo. Look, this little pump comes free with it. Pop it in there in the valve, pump pump pump away, up it goes, then slip it back in there... ..and boom! Cleavage! They're perfect while you're still growing 'cause they lift you right there.

**Jules: **- Mum! God, you're so embarrassing!

**Jules's Mum: **- They make more of what you've got sweetheart. All the girls have bought one for their daughters. Well there's the Fleur, that's pretty, and the gel bra, that's a clever one - no pumping, it's already in there. Oh no sweetheart, not the sports bras! They're so plain! They don't enhance.

**Jules: **- Well, no one's going to see them.

**Jules's Mum: **- No, but it's not how they look, it's how they make you feel.

**Walking - Pinkie: **I really like that lace lycra one.  
Uh-oh, there's your mate. Let's make this quick yeah and I hope your mate's mum wears a cardi over her three stomachs tomorrow!

**Jess: **- Shut up! She's old.

**Pinkie: **- So?

**Tony: **All right, Jess? Hiya, Pinky.

**Pinkie and Jess: **Sat sri akal Massi ji (Greetings Aunt)

**Tony's Mum: **May you have a long life, my daughters! - Every thing getting ready for tomorrow?

**Pinkie: **- Yes, Massi ji. Mum's making samosas.

**Tony's Mum: **May God keep you and your husband in endless happiness! And pray for me that I get a lovely daughter-in-law like you for my Tony.

**Pinkie: **Aw, thank you, Massi ji! OK, bye!

**Tony: **- How was biology?

**Jess: **- Did you do the genetics one?

**Tony: **- Yeah the daughter was a carrier and then when she got married, she passed on the defective gene to her son.

**Jess: **- Yeah I got that, too. - I Hope I get my 2 A's and a B for uni.

**Pinkie: **- Come on Jess!

**Tony: **- Going to the park later?

**Jess: **- Yeah I'll try.

**Pinkie and Jess: **Sat sri akal Massi ji

**After they leave - Tony: **Mum!

**Pinkie - walking: **I found it! Come on, Jess!

**Later at the Park - Soccer fellows: **There you go! Over here!  
Rubbish! Come on, boys!  
You're such an idiot, man!

**Tony: **- Jess! Fancy a quick game?

**Jess: **- I can't. My mum's waiting, - my dad's on earlies at Heathrow.

**Tony: **- Come on, we really need you! Come on! Come on!

**Soccer fellows: **Who does she think she is?  
Beckham or what?  
Can we chest it like him?  
- You know, give it some bounce!  
- Go on! Chest it!  
- Did that hurt, pretty boy?

**Back home in bedroom - Jess: **I nearly scored from 25 yards today. Bent it and everything. I could have carried on playing all night. It's not fair that boys never have to come home and help. If I get an arranged marriage, would I get someone who'd let me play football whenever I wanted?

**Jess's Dad: **Who were you talking to?

**Jess: **No one, Dad.

**Dad: **OK, Biji along with her grandson are coming and staying in here for the wedding. Why don't you put a nice picture of beautiful sceneries - instead of this bald man?

**Jess: **- Dad!

**Jess's Dad: **I'm going to change. Come and help me out, OK?

**Man at engagement party: **- ..a beautiful Rolls Royce, you know?  
- I'll get one for your wedding, too, if you like.

**Lady at engagement party: **- It will be your turn soon, eh? Do you want a clean-shaven boy like your sister or a proper Sikh with a full beard and a turban? It's only our men that have a big engine and full M.O.T., eh?

**Mobile phones ring - Teet answers his:** Nah, man, the alternator's gone on the Merc! Just do the carburettor on the Nissan. I told you not to bother me! It's my engagement, man!

**Jess's Dad: **Switch it off.

**Later at Soccer field - Girls watching boys: **- He is so tick, man!  
- Innit, innit? I know!  
He's taking his shirt off!  
A body like that should come with an X certificate warning!  
And a lifetime guarantee!  
- Yeah, man! Call Jess!  
- Oy, Jess!  
- Jess man, who's your friend with the gorgeous bod?  
- The one with the six-pack.  
- If he looks at me, I really will faint!

**Jess: **- What? Taz?

**Girls: **- Taz. His name?  
- Look at that kick!  
He is so fly!  
That is fine. That is so fine!

**Soccer Boy to Tony: **- Get your girlfriend, man!

**Tony: **- Jess!

**Girls: **Go on, Jess. Lover boy's calling you!

**Jess: **Oh shut up. You know he's just my mate. We're not all slags like you lot!

**Girl 1: **Ohhhhhhh. b****! Just 'cause she's still a V, man, she thinks she's better than us, innit!

**Girl 2: **Yes, but at least she hasn't got off with half of Hounslow like you two!  
Hey. Who's that gori watching her?

**Tony: **Come on, Jess! All the way. It's all yours!

**After game - Jules: **Hi. That was brilliant! Do you play for any side?

**Soccer Boys: **Yeah, like whose?  
Southall United Sari Squad?

**Jules: **I play for Hounslow Harriers Girls side. It's closed season at the moment, but we've got a summer tournament coming up. You should come along. Have a trial.

**Jess: **- A trial? Think I'm good enough?

**Jules: **- Yeah. Watched you a couple of times. You've gotten really good. It's up to our coach, but we could do with some new blood.

**Tony: **- That's brilliant!

**Soccer Boys: **- Do you swap shirts at the end of matches?  
And get in a big bath together?  
Where's the soap?  
Yeah, it does, doesn't it lads?  
Let's play football.

**Jules: **- I'm Jules.

**Jess: **- Jess.

**Later - Soccer Girl: **Yes!

**Coach: **I want two groups of three in each group. Let's move! - How do you know she's serious. I haven't got time to piss around Jules.

**Jules: **- She's got balls, Joe. - At least watch her.

**Jess: **- Hi.

**Coach: **- Where do you normally play?

**Jess: **- In the park.

**Coach: **I mean what position?

**Jess: **Sorry! I usually play all over, but up front on the right is best.

**Coach: **- Get your boots on.

**Jess: **- I haven't got any.

**Coach: **Right, join in. Start warming up.

**Jess: **- Where shall I put this?

**Jules: **- Put it over here.

**Coach: **Jesus!

Pass it to Jules!

Brilliant!

- How did it feel out there?

**Jess: **- Really great!

**Coach: **I've never seen an Indian girl into football.

**Jess: **- I didn't even know they had a girls' team here.

**Coach: **- It's her fault. I used to play for the men's club, and she used to hang around here whining that there was no team for her to play on.

**Jules: **I wasn't whining! Nah, there was nothing here for us girls. There was junior boys stuff, but when he busted his knee, he set up a girls' side, and he's been on my case ever since!

**Coach: **See, they made me start at the bottom. You can't get much lower than her!

**Jules: **You're so full of it! Nah, we get just as many trophies as the men's side do. So, does she pass?

**Coach: **- Are your folks up for it?

**Jess: **- Yeah, they're cool.

**Coach: **Suppose you'd better come back, then. I've got to go and open the bar. Some real work!

**Jules: **- He likes you.

**Jess: **- You think so?

**Jules: **He asked you back, didn't he? - How long have you been playing?

**Jess: **- For ages, but just in the park. - Nothing as serious as this.

**Jules: **- This, serious? It'll do for now. - I want to play professionally.

**Jess: **- Wow! Can you do that? I mean, as a job, like.

**Jules: **Sure. Not really here, but you can in America. They've got a pro league with new stadiums and everything.

**Jess: **Really?

**Later on bed Jess: **I can't believe it! It's a proper pitch with lights, corner flags, changing rooms... The coach likes me. He really knows his stuff. Must be gutted he can't play with his injury. Jules is so lucky! Her mum and dad must really support her to let her go all the way to America to play. I don't even know how to tell my mum and dad about Hounslow Harriers.

**Outside at Jules's house - Jules kicks ball in to pots: **

**Jules's Dad: **- Oops!

**Jules's Mum: **- Oh, will you both pack it in! Look at the state of my fuchsias! Alan, when are you gonna realise you have a daughter with breasts, not a son?

**Jules: **Mum.

**Jules's Dad: **- Paula, please!

**Jules's mum: **- No boy's gonna want to go out with a girl - who's got bigger muscles than him!

**Jules's Dad: **- Why don't you just leave her alone.

**Jules: **- I'm not gonna give it up!

**Jules's mum: **- I'm just saying. I saw that Kevin last night in the High Street with a blonde girl and it didn't look like they were talking about Match of the bleedin' Day either!

**Jules: **Kevin can shag whoever he bloody wants!

**Jules's mum: **Honey, all I'm saying is there is a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one of them without a fella. - Sweetheart...

**Jules's Dad: **- See what you've done. Why don't you just get off her flamin' back? If she's more interested in playing football right now than chasing boys, well quite frankly I'm over the moon about that.

**Later at the field Coach: **They're a bit tatty, but they'll do the job.

**Jess: **Thanks

**Coach: **And here's a kit. Don't be afraid to get it dirty.

**Jess: **- Can't I not wear my tracksuit bottoms?

**Walking away Coach: **- No.

**Jess: **Shit!

**In Change room Jules: **Jess, get changed over here. - You've met our captain, Mel.

**Jess: **- Yeah, nice to meet you.

**Mel: **You're up for a proper match? Chiswick next. Best defensive record in the division. - They're due for a good stuffing.

**Jules: **- Absolutely!

**Mel: **We need some pace up front. Jules could do with some decent service! Welcome to the Harriers.

**Outside Coach: **Jules, take over the warm-up.

**Jules: **Come on, girls, keep going! Heads up!

**Coach: **Jess, what's going on?

**Jess: **Looks awful. - I can't wear shorts ever.

**Coach: **- Jesus! That's a stunner! I thought I had a bad one on my knee but yours is gorgeous. Look, don't worry about it. No one's gonna care once you're out there. - What happened?

**Jess: **- You don't want to know.

**Coach: **Look... Two operations later and it's still useless. Yours affect your game?

**Jess: **Nah, it looks awful. I was eight. My mum was working overtime at Heathrow and I was trying to cook beans on toast. When I jumped up to the grill to get the toast, my trousers caught alight, so my sister put me in the bath, poured cold water over me and pulled them off but half my skin came off, too.

**Coach: **Sorry.

**Jess: **I know. Put me off beans on toast for life.

**Coach: **Come on. Mine stopped me from playing outright, yours doesn't. - No more dawdling.

**Jess: **- Sorry about your knee.

**Coach: **Yeah, yeah. I'm a right sob story, aren't I? Come on! I want to see some sweat on you!

**Song Playing: **Well, she's all you'd ever want She's the kind they'd like to flaunt and take to dinner And she always knows her place She's got style, she's got grace She's a winner She's a lady! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa She's a lady I'm talking about my little lady Oh, whoa, whoa, she's a lady! Lady! Well, she's a lady!

**Later Jess: **- Hey, Tony!

**Soccer boy: **- Are you here for fantasy football?

**Tony: **- You look like a pro!

**Jess: **- It's brilliant. They're a top team - and the coach is ace.

**Tony: **- Excellent!

**Soccer boy: **- What's that down your leg?

**Jess: **- Haven't you seen a burn before?

**Soccer boy: **- That's disgusting, man!

**Tony: **- Back off, you w***er!

**Jess: **No, it's fine. At least I can still skin you alive!  
Oh. The skill. The skill. The skill. That's not fair.

**Taz picks Jess up - Jess's Mum arrives: **

**Later at home Jess's Mum: **Chi Chi Chi. He was touching you all over! Put his hands on your bare legs! You're not a young girl any more! And showing the world your scar!

**Jess's Dad: **Jessie, now that your sister has got engaged, it's different. - You know how people talk.

**Jess: **- She's the one getting married, not me!

**Jess's Mum: **I was married at your age! You don't even want to learn to cook dhal!

**Jess: **- I'm not playing with boys any more.

**Jess's Mum: **- Good! End of matter!

**Jess: **I'm joining a girls' team, they want me to play in proper matches. The coach said I could go far.

**Jess's Mum: **Go far? Go far to where? Jessie. We let you play all you wanted when you were young, huh? - You've played enough.

**Jess: **- That's not fair! He selected me!

**Jess's Mum: **He?! She said it was girls!

**Jess: **- The coach, Joe.

**Jess's Mum: **- See how she lies? I don't want you running around half naked in front of men, huh? Look how dark you've become, playing in the sun!

**Jess: **- But Mum, I'm really good!

**Jess's Mum: **- What family will want a daughter-in-law who can run around kicking football all day but can't make round chapattis? Now exams are over, I want you to learn full Punjabi dinner, meat and vegetarian!

**Jess: **- But, Dad!

**Jess's Mum: **- No! This is where you spoil her! No. This is how it started with your niece, the way that girl would answer back and then running off to become a model wearing small, small skirts!

**Jess: **- She's a fashion designer!

**Jess's Mum: **- She's divorced! that's what she is. Cast off after three years of being married to a white boy with blue hair! Her poor mother. She hasn't been able to set foot in that temple since. I don't want the shame on my family. That's it! No more football!

**Jess's Dad: **Jessie, your mother is right. It's not nice. You must start behaving like a proper woman. OK?

**Later Jess: **Out of order. Anything I want is just not Indian enough for 'em! I mean I never bunked off school to go at day like Binky or Bubbly. I don't wear make-up or tight clothes like them. - They just don't see all those things!

**Tony: **- Parents never see the good things.

**Jess: **Anyone can cook aloo gobi, - but who can bend a ball like Beckham?

**Tony: **- Why don't you just play and not tell them, hm? Pinky's been sneaking off for years to see Teets. Now they're getting married nobody cares. What your parents don't know won't hurt.

**Jess: **Why should I have to lie? It's not like I'm sleeping around with anyone!

**Jules: **Jess! Hello! I thought I'd find you out here playing.

**Jess: **This is Tony. Tony, this is Jules from the team.

**Tony: **Jess is well made up with your team.

**Jules: **We've got high hopes for her, especially me.

**Jess: **My mum doesn't want me to play any more.

**Jules: **That's bollocks! My mum's never wanted me to play. You just can't take no for an answer.

**Jess: **Yeah, but my sister's getting married so Mum and Dad are totally stressed out. Anyway, I won't be able to get out of the house for training and matches.

**Jules: **Come on, Jess. You can't leave me alone out there. Joe's got an American scout coming over. Anyway, don't worry about your mum. Just say you got a summer job. I could put in a good word for you at HMV with me. So... ..now we've got that sorted, you can show me what your fella can do or what!

**Jess: **- Oh no, he's not my boyfriend!

**Tony: **- I'm not her boyfriend!

**Jules: **Jess, come on! You playing?

**Next day Jess's Mum: **Jessie! Breakfast!

**Jessie: **Nah, I'm in a hurry!

**Jess's Mum: **You can't go to work on an empty stomach.

**Pinkie: **Where are my keys?

**Jess's Mum: **- Jessie!

**Jess: **- No, I'm late, Mum. Bye!

**Song Playing: **Hush now, child And don't you cry Your folks might understand you By and by Just move on up Towards your destination Though you may find From time to time Complications Bite your lip And take a trip Though there may be wet roads ahead And you cannot slip Just move on up For peace you will find Into the steeple of beautiful people Where there's only one kind So hush now, child And don't you cry Your folks might understand you By and by Move on up And keep on wishing Remember your dream is your only scheme So keep on pushing Just move on up Move on up!

**Pinkie: **Get off me, man!

**Teets: **No one can see us.

**Pinkie: **Yeah? Mum! No, no, nothing, I'm just at work, innit? Yeah, I know Poli's coming round to do the suits. So Jess can get the tube, innit? Yeah, all right, I'll pick her up. I've got to go, Mum, someone's coming. Bye.

**Jess: **Nah, my mum and dad ain't got a clue.

**Soccer Team Girl: **- So, you mean they've no idea you've been playing all this time?

**Jess: **- Nope.

**Soccer Team Girl: **- Where do they think you are?

**Jess: **- At work. They think I've got a job at HMV.

**Soccer Team Girl: **- Blimey. That's not on.

**Jess: **- Indian girls aren't supposed to play football!

**Soccer Team Girl: **That's a bit backward innit?

**Jules: **Yeah, but it ain't just an Indian thing is it. I mean, how many people come out and support us?

**Soccer Team Girl: **So, are you like promised to someone then?

**Jess: **Nah. No way. My sister's getting married soon. It's a love match.

**Soccer Team Girl: **- What's that mean?

**Jess: **- It's not arranged.

**Soccer Team Girl: **- So, you can choose, does that mean you can marry a white boy?

**Jess: **- White, no, black, definitely not, a Muslim, eh-eh!

**Jules: **- Guess you'll be marrying an Indian, then!

**Jess: **- Probably.

**Soccer Team Girl: **- So how do any of you Indian girls put up with it?

**Jess: **- It's just culture. That's all. Better than sleeping around with boys you aren't going to end up marrying? What's the point in that?

**Soccer Team Girl: **- That's the best bit!

**Soccer Team Girl: **- Yeah, you should know!

**Soccer Team Girl: **Are you ready to go? See you slags later!

**At Home Jess: **It's only me. Mum, I'm really starving. I had to work through my lunch hour today.

**Jess's Mum: **Where's Pinky? She was supposed to pick you up so you wouldn't be late for Poli. Pinky, why didn't you pick your sister up from work, huh?

**Pinky: **I went but the manager said I'd just missed her.

**Jess's Mum: **OK, ok, Poli's on her way. I'll make you girls some tea.

**Pinky: **- Alright who is he, then?

**Jess: **- Who?

**Pinky: **You must think I've got shit for brains or something, lying about a job and all that!

**Jess: **You can't say anything to Mum and Dad. I kept Teet a secret for you.

**Pinky: **- He's not a Muslim, is he?

**Jess: **- Ssh! Look, I've been playing football for a women's team.

**Pinky: **Huh? It's worse than I thought!

**Jess: **- It's a proper tournament. They're real matches!

**Pinky: **- What is wrong with you, Jess? If you're going to go to all this bother lying, at least do it for something good! Don't you want a boyfriend like everyone else? You're quite pretty you know. Do something with your hair, put a bit of make-up on, you'd look all right.

**Jess's Mum: **Leave her alone. I never wore make-up until after I was married. Jessie's a good girl now. She helped me wash the net curtains and she made lovely aloo gobi last week.

**Poli: **Waist 25 ...under bust 28 ... - Bust...

**Jess's Mum: **- Eh, that's too tight and rude!

**Pinky: **No, Mum, I want my choli more fitted. That's the style, innit?

**Poli: **- Make it 34 and a half.

**Pinky: **- No, tighter!

**Poli: **- OK, 34!

**Jess's Mum: **- How are you going to breathe?  
- Jess.

**Jess: **Mum, why do I have to wear a sari? It will just fall down!

**Jess's Mum: **Your first sari is when you become a woman. Sari blouse and petticoat.

**Poli: **- So...bust...31 ...

**Jess: **- No, that's too tight. I want it looser.

**Jess's Mum: **Dressed in a sack, who's going to notice you, huh?

**Poli: **Don't worry. In one of our designs, even these mosquito bites will look like juicy juicy mangoes! Under the bust, 27 . The waist, 27 .

**Jess: **Mum, I need to buy different shoes to go with the sari and the suits.

**Pinky: **- Come again?

**Jess's Mum: **- She's coming into line now!

**Jess: **I can pay for one pair from my wages. Can you give me some money for the other?

**Jess's Mum: **You need one black and one white to go with everything.

**Song Playing: **I know I make mistakes I will have to live and learn Sometimes you play with fire And sometimes you get burned I have my dream to live Following that star It doesn 't matter how long it takes It doesn 't matter how far No time for make-believing And it's too late to turn back now Yeah, yeah, yeah I've been dreaming about it I can 't live without it I've got to find my own way I'm not changing my mind now Or looking behind now This is my Independence Day My Independence Day!

**Jess's Dad: **- Can you change the channel, please?

**Jess's Mum: **- It's nearly the end.

**Pinky: **Mum, she's back!

**Jess's Mum: **Jesminda, you've been gone all day for two pairs of shoes! Come here!

**Jess: **It's not that late Mum. I was looking at other things too, like handbags.

**Pinky: **- Let's see 'em!

**Jess: **- Not yet. I'll put them on with the suits.

**Pinky: **- Come on let me see 'em!

**Jess: **Wait.

**Jess's Mum: **- You been smoking?

**Jess: **- No!

**Jess's Mum: **- Chi Chi Chi Cigarette.

**Jess: **I've never smoked. I had to go to the loo so I went into a pub with my friend. I had a coke. You can smell my breath!

**Jess's Dad: **She might be right.

**Jess's Mum: **These don't even have a heel! How will they fall nicely with your sari?

**Jess: **I'll take them back. Give them back.

**Jess's Mum: **Football shoes!

**Later at Soccer Training Jules: **But you can't give 'em back.

**Jess: **- I've got to get some proper shoes for the wedding now.

**Jules: **- Oh, don't worry about it, come over to my house. I'll sort you out.

**Coach: **Come on, girls! Wake up!

**Jess: **God! My mum had a fit when she saw the boots! And I smelt like a bleedin' ashtray! I had to clean all the big saucepans.

**Coach: **Yak, yak! Jess! - Is everything all right?

**Jess: **- Yes, coach.

**Coach: **Training not getting in the way of your cozy little conversation?

**Jess: **- No, coach.

**Coach: **- Good. Then I want five more laps round the pitch! - Elbows to knees as you go!

**Jules: **- Joe, that is totally out of order!

**Coach: **Hey! I don't remember telling the rest of you to stop! Come on. Move it! You're doing very well. Just keep it up for another two minutes. Good, Mackie! Good, Sally! Excellent! Excellent! Jess! You can stop now! I said stop! You'll do yourself an injury!

**Jess: **- No, I'm OK. I've just got one more lap.

**Coach: **- I said stop! Come, let's have a look at you.

**Jess: **- It's nothing!

**Coach: **- Sit down. Let me decide if it's nothing. Why didn't you tell me you'd twisted it?

**Jess: **I didn't want you to think I'm not as strong as the others.

**Coach: **That's stupid, Jess. Look, my dad was my coach. And scouts kept telling him that I was too slight to play, so he kept pushing me. That's how I screwed my knee.

**Jess: **Your dad made you?

**Coach: **I wanted to show him I wasn't soft, so I tried to play injured. - He was a bit of a bastard anyway.

**Jess: **- You shouldn't say that about your dad.

**Coach: **You don't know my dad. All right. Come on. Good. Now put your weight on me. There you are.

**Later at Jules's house getting shoes Jess: **Oh, my God!

**Jules: **Just give 'em back after the wedding. My mum loves those. She stuck the bows on herself.

**Jess: **- Thanks. You sure she won't miss 'em?

**Jules: **- Nah. Listen... I hope Joe wasn't too hard on you. Some of the girls think he's too strict.

**Jess: **Oh no, he was really nice, just really professional.

**Jules: **I love that picture. It was just after we beat Millwall last year. You got to see this. It's wicked!

**T V Commentator: **W.U.S.A. soccer!

**Jess: **-Wow!

**Jules: **W.U.S.A. Incredible. We don't have anything like that over here.

**T V Commentator: **On the attack. Goal! Mia Hamm, world footballer of the year! Milbrett makes a run. She shoots! Goal! Tiffany Milbrett scores again! Lily strikes... Save! Brandi Chastain! Saved! Smith beats the keeper! Goal for Kelly Smith, the England international!

**Jules: **Anyway. When are you going to tell your parents about your game?

**Jess: **- Oh, I don't know.

**Jules: **- You can't keep lying. You're too good.

**Jules's Mum: **- Cooey!

**Jules: **- Quick, hide the shoes!

**Jules's Mum: **- Sweetheart!

**Jules: **- I'm up here, Mum.

**Jules's Mum: **Oh, it's hot out there! Oh! Got company! - Hello, love.

**Jules: **- Yeah, uh Mum, this is Jess.

**Jules's Mum: **Jess? Is that Indian?

**Jess: **It's really Jesminder, but only my mum calls me that.

**Jules's Mum: **Oh, that's nice. Jesmin-dah. Lovely! Now. Well, Jesmin-dah, I bet your room at home doesn't look like this eh! - With all these great big butch women on the wall!

**Jules: **- Thank you, Mum, I'm not old like you!

**Jules's Mum: **Jess, I hope you can teach my daughter a bit about your culture, including respect for elders and the like, eh? Cheeky madam! Well, Jess... You're a lucky girl aren't you? I expect your parents are fixing you up with a handsome young doctor soon aren't they? - Pretty girl like you...

**Jules: **- Mum! Stop embarrassing yourself!

**Jules's Mum: **What? Just being friendly! You don't mind, do you, Jess love? Course not. Now, are you a friend from school or work?

**Jules: **She's a footballer. She's on the team with me.

**Later hugging each other, shaking, laughing at bus stop Jules: **"Jesmin-dah"! Did you see her face, though?!

**Jess: **- Juliet!

**Jules: **- Jesmin-dah! What WAS that?

**Jess: **- Ohh!

**Jules: **- Are you all right?

**Jess (still with twisted knee): **  
- Jesus! Oh!  
Jules... You know Joe, do you like him?

**Jules: **Nah, he'd get sacked if he was caught shagging one of his players.

**Jess: **Really?

**Jules: **I just wish I could find a bloke just like him though, you know, that wasn't off limits. Everyone I know's a prat. They think girls can't play as well as them, except Joe, of course.

**Jess: **Yeah, I hope I marry an Indian boy like him, too. - What?  
Shut up!

**Later Teet's Dad: **Look, we're not trying to cause trouble. We just felt it our duty to tell you.

**Jess's Dad: **You know how hard it is for our children here. Sometimes they misjudge and start behaving like the kids here.

**Teet's Mum: **All I know is that children are a map of their parents.

**Teet's parents leave. Pinky: **- Stupid flippin' cow!

**Jess's Mum: **- Ruined your sister's life!

**Pinky: **- Happy now? - My whole wedding's been called off 'cause of you!

**Jess: **- Me? Why?

**Jess's Mum: **- They saw you being filthy with an English boy!

**Jess: **- They're lying. I wasn't with any English boy!

**Pinky: **- They saw you today at a bus stop kissing him!  
Stupid b****. Why couldn't you do it in secret like everyone else?

**Jess: **Kissing? Me? A boy?! - You're mad. You're all bloody mad!

**Jess's Dad: **- Jesminder, don't use those swearing words!

**Jess: **I was at the 120 bus stop today but with Juliet. My friend. She's a girl, and we weren't kissing or anything for God's sake!

**Jess's Dad: **- Swear by Babaji.

**Jess: **- I swear on Babaji's name.

**Jess's Mum: **Sometimes these English girls have such short hair... You just can't tell. They must have made a mistake. His parents are just making an excuse. We were never good enough for them.

**Pinky: **No Mum, It's all her fault. I bet she was with some dykey girl from her football team! She's still been playing you know!

**Jess: **Pinky.

**Pinky: **She ain't got no job or nothing! She's been lying!

**Jess's Mum: **Oh God, why did you give me two deceiving daughters? - What did I do wrong in my past life?

**Pinky: **- But she's the one that's ruined my life!

**Jess's Mum: **Don't think I didn't know that you were sneaking out with that good-for-nothing Teetu as well!

**Later with Teet in car Pinky: **- Well, just talk to them, innit?

**Teet: **- I'll come and talk to your parents.

**Later Soccer Coach: **Jules, come here to me. - Where's your mate?

**Jules: **- I don't know.

**Coach: **This is the second training session in a row she's missed. It's not like her. Did she say she was unhappy with anything?

**Jules: **Her parents didn't know she was on the team. Maybe they found out.

**Coach: **What? She told me her folks were up for it.

**Jules: **I've been telling her to tell them but she won't listen to me.

**Later at Jess's house Pinky: **I'll get it! - Yeah?

**Coach: **- Hello.

**Coach having tea with them: **Thanks, Jess. I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, Mr and Mrs Bhamra but I wanted to talk to you in person. I only found out today that you didn't know Jess was playing for us.

**Jess's Mum: **No, we didn't.

**Coach: **I apologise. If I'd known, I would have encouraged Jess to tell you because I believe she's got tremendous potential.

**Jess's Dad: **I think we know better our daughter's potential. Jess has no time for games. - She'll be starting university soon.

**Jess: **- But playing for the team is an honour!

**Jess's Mum: **What bigger honour is there - than respecting your elders?

**Jess's Dad: **- Young man, when I was a teenager in Nairobi, I was the best fast bowler in our school. Our team even won the East African Cup. But when I came to this country, nothing. I was not allowed to play in any of the teams, and the bloody goras in their clubhouses made fun of my turban and sent me off packing!

**Coach: **I'm sorry, Mr Bhamra... -..but now it's...

**Jess's Dad: **- Now what? None of our boys are in any of the football leagues. You think they will let our girls? I don't want you to build up Jesminder's hopes. She will only end up disappointed like me.

**Jess: **But Dad, it's all changing now. Look at Nasser Hussein He's captain of the England cricket team - and he's Asian.

**Jess's Mum: **- Hussein's a Muslim name. Their families are different.

**Jess: **Mum!

**Later outside Coach: **We've been invited to play in Germany this Saturday. - It's a shame you'll miss it.

**Jess: **- Wow! Germany!

**Coach: **I can see what you're up against, but your parents don't always know what's best for you Jess.

**Later at Bus Mel: **They're all here.

**Coach: **They're all in, yeah? Shit!

**Pinky: **- You know the score, yeah?

**Jess: **- Yeah, call them twice a day.

**Pinky: **Trust me man, I'm an expert. You take care alright. Laters.

**Jess: **My sister's covering for me. - We're supposed to be staying at my cousin's at Croydon.

**Coach: **- I didn't hear that!

**Song Playing: Atomic - Blondie** Uh-huh, make me tonight Tonight Make it right Uh-huh, make me tonight Tonight Tonight Oh, oh-hoh, make it magnificent...

**At the Game - Girls: **- Jess!  
- Cross it, Jess!

**Coach: **- Good luck.

**Jules: **- Go on, Jess, you can do this!

**After the game at the hotel Jess: **Yeah Mum, I'm fine, Pinky's fine. We're all cooking ah.

**Jules: **- Pasta!

**Jess: **-..pasta! I'd better go... Pinky's burning it! Yeah Ok, say hi to Dad, yeah? OK. Bye, Mum.

**Jess's Mum: **Good. They sound happy. Pinky will meet someone new and Jessie will forget all about this football nonsense.

**Jess's Dad: **The dinner's ready? But let me wash up first.

**Seeing photo in newspaper Jess's Dad: **Call her back in Croydon. I want to speak to them. - I said I want to speak to them!

**Jess's Mum: **- OK, baba.

**Back in Germany Jess: **Oh, I didn't bring anything for a club. I didn't know they wanted to take us clubbing. I bet it's to gloat!

**Jules: **Mel? We need some help.

**Soccer girls: **Jess!  
Oh, wow! You look good!

**Mel: **- Does she look good?

**Soccer girl: **- Yeah! You've done a good job Mel!

**Coach: **Let's get a taxi.

**At the Club Jules: **Hello, darling!

**Coach: **- How's Jules?

**Jules: **- I'm fine. How are you? - Are you gonna dance with me, then?

**Coach: **- No.

**Jules: **Come on! You gonna dance with me! Oh, you're such a wuss!

**Jess: **I'm sorry I missed that penalty, coach.

**Coach: **It's OK. Losing to the Jerries on penalties comes natural to you English! You're part of a tradition now.

**Jules: **Enough about football. Come on. You're dancing with me!

**Coach: **- No!

**Jess: **- Go on!

**Jules: **I'm not taking no for an answer!

**Song Playing:** I turn to you Like a flower leaning towards the sun I turn to you 'Cause you're the only one Who can turn me around When I'm upside down Down, down I turn to you I turn to you When my insides are racked with anxiety You have the touch that will quiet me You lift my spirit You melt the ice The ice, the ice When I need inspiration when I need advice I turn to you Like a flower leaning towards the sun I turn to you 'Cause you're the only one Who can turn me around...

**on Patio Coach: **Jess! Whoa! Steady on there, young one! Are you all right? Are you sure?

**Jess: **Gosh! I only had a couple of wines! Oh, my head! - It's too smoky in there.

**Coach: **- Yeah.

**Song Playing:** I wish I Could right now Wish that I could show you how...

**Jess:** That was so brilliant the way you came to my house. You were brave enough to face my mum! Your dad can't be as mad as her!

**Coach:** Your mam's a barrel of laughs compared to me dad! I don't need to feel close to my family, Jess. I don't need you to feel sorry for me.

**Jess leans towards Coach - he responds as Jules comes out:** You b****!

**Coach whispers to himself:** Shit - Jules.

**Back Home Jess:** Jules!

**Mel:** You right, Jess?  
Is that your mum and dad?

**Punjabi Song Playing:**  
Jaania... Jaania...  
(Translation My life... My life...)

**Back in Jess's house Jess's Mum:** What haven't we done for these girls, huh? We bought a car for Pinky. Jessie wanted computer, music centre, TV, video, huh?

**In Pinky's room Song Playing in the background:**  
Jaania... Haania... Jaania Haania Tu Vi Sikh Ke De Dukh Sukh Polna  
Tere Bin, Tere Bin Nahi Lagda Dil Mera Dholna  
(Translation My life, my love...you too learn how to give happiness and sorrow  
Without you, my heart is not at peace without you my love)

**Jess:** Pinks... How do you know Teets is the one?

**Pinky:** I just know. When you're in love with someone, you'd do anything for that person.

**Jess:** Pinks, do you think Mum and Dad would still speak to me if I ever brought home a gora?

**Background song stops abruptly - Pinky:** - Who?!

**Jess:** - No one. I'm just saying.

**Pinky:** It's that coach bloke innit! I knew something was up when he turned up here!

**Jess:** - No, nothing's happened.

**Pinky:** - Well, you make sure it doesn't, all right? Look Jess, you can marry anyone you want. It's fine at first when you're in love and all that but do you really want to be the one that everyone stares at every family do because you married the English bloke?

**Jess:** He's Irish.

**Pinky:** Yeah well, they all look the bloody same to them, innit? Anyway, why go to so much grief when there's so many good-looking Indian boys to marry? It's not like before you know. Now they wear good clothes, got flashy jobs even know how to cook and wash up. How about Tony? He's been mad on you for ages!

**Later at club Coach:** Jess?

**Jess:** Hi.

**Coach:** Hi.

**Jess:** Was that the club chairman?

**Coach:** Yeah. They told me they're considering me as assistant coach for the men's side next year.

**Jess:** That's great! Congratulations.

**Coach:** Probably won't get it. Better not to count on anything.

**Jess:** Well, you deserve it. - Look, I really wanted to say...

**Coach:** - I've already forgotten about it.

**Jess:** Yeah, good. Me, too.

**Coach:** Your mum and dad didn't look too pleased yesterday. I suppose you've come to tell me you're off the team for good?

**Jess:** It's not fair. I feel like I'm either going to let the team down or really piss them off, and I don't want to upset anyone.

**Coach:** Why are they so frightened to let you play?

**Jess:** They want to protect me.

**Coach:** From what?

**Jess:** This is taking me away from everything they know.

**Coach:** Whose life are you living, Jess? If you try pleasing 'em for ever, you're gonna end up blaming 'em.

**Jess:** What, like you? - I'm sorry.

**Coach:** - No, you're right. I stopped talking to my dad because we had nothing to talk about. Spent a year getting pissed trying to forget about the game, but I couldn't.

**Jess:** But I can't just stop talking to them, like you.

**Coach:** I don't talk to my dad because I know what he'd say. He'd piss himself if he found out I was coaching girls!

**Jess:** Well how do you know that? How do you know that he wouldn't be proud that you didn't just give up? You should be proud of what you've given all of us.

**Coach:** Then why are you giving up?

**Later Jules's Mum:** - Jesmin-dah, isn't it?

**Jess:** - Jesminder.

**Jules's Mum:** Jesminder. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. You know I cooked a lovely curry the other day! Oh, you still not up? Guess who's come to see you. It's your Indian friend, from football. Jules has been ever so down since you lost in Germany. Maybe you can cheer her up a bit, eh. Do you two want some tea? I've just made some cheese straws with real Gruyere.

**Jules:** No, it's alright mum, Jess won't be staying long.

**Jules's Mum:** Oh. Well...umm ..just give us a shout downstairs if there's anything you two fancy, all right?

**Jess:** Look, Jules I feel really bad about what happened.

**Jules:** Yeah, well, you should.

**Jess:** I'm sorry. I don't want you to be in a strop with me.

**Jules:** I'm not in a strop!

**Jess:** Look, it was a mistake. I didn't know what I was doing!

**Jules:** I can't believe you kissed him!

**Jess:** I didn't!

**Jules:** Yeah, right! Jess, I know what I saw! You knew he was off limits! Don't pretend to be so innocent. You knew exactly how I felt about him!

**Jess:** But you told me you didn't like him, now you're acting as though you're in love with him!

**Jules:** You don't know the meaning of love! You've really hurt me, Jess! That's all there is to it! You've betrayed me!

**Jess:** So that's it?

**Jules:** Yeah, that's it. Bye!

**Jess:** Goodbye, Mrs Paxton.

**Coming in Jules's Dad:** What's going on?

**Later Jules's Mum:** That is why she's been so depressed lately! 'Cause that Jess broke her heart! She's in love! With a girl!

**Jules's Dad:** You're jumping to all the wrong conclusions.

**Jules's Mum:** But I heard her! No wonder she never looked twice at that Kevin or brought any boys home! I tried to get her nice clothes. You know, we've had some lovely prints in this summer - you know, in swimwear and sarongs and that - but she never wants to go shopping with me! It was terrible what they did to that George Michael! Going on about him and all his private business in the papers like that! Oh, no!

**Jules's Dad:** George Michael is still a superstar and you still listen to Wham!.

**Later Jess:** Do you fancy me, Tony?

**Tony:** - I like you, yeah...

**Jess:** - Well good, maybe we can go out, then, yeah?

**Tony:** - Jess, what's going on?

**Jess:** - I think I need an Indian boyfriend.

**Tony:** What is going on Jess? You're acting all weird.

**Jess:** Sorry. You know my coach, yeah?

**Tony:** Yeah.

**Jess:** I nearly kissed him in Germany.

**Tony:** Wow! And that's why you need an Indian boyfriend?

**Jess:** Well, Jules likes him, too, and now she hates me.

**Tony:** Look, Jess, you can't plan who you fall for. It just happens. - I mean look at Posh and Becks.

**Jess:** - Well, Beckham's the best.

**Tony:** - Yeah I really like Beckham, too.

**Jess:** - Of course you do. No one can cross a ball or bend it like Beckham.

**Tony:** No, Jess. I really like Beckham.

**Jess:** What, you mean...? But you're Indian!

**Tony:** I haven't told anyone.

**Jess:** God, what's your mum gonna say?! My sister thinks you're mad about me!

**Tony:** I am! I just don't want to marry you.

**Jess:** What would all those tossers say if they knew?

**Tony:** Jess, you're not going to tell anyone?

**Jess:** 'Course not. It's OK, Tony. I mean, it's OK with me.

**Tony:** Yeah, well, you fancying your gora coach is OK with me. Besides... he's quite fit!

**At Jess's house Pinky:** Listen, you have gotta be back by three. I can't keep 'em at the temple all day.

**Jess:** I owe you big time!

**Pinky:** Laters

**Jess's Mum:** - Get back in to bed.

**Jess:** - Bring me back some langar.

**Jess's Mum:** Chi. We're going to pray to God to give you both sense, not bring back food for you!

**Song Playing:** Red alert, red alert, it's a catastrophe But don't worry Don't panic Ain't nothing going on but history...

**Pinky:** Honestly, Dad, I'll go inside and get it.

**Song Playing:** And the music keeps on playing on and on...

**Jess's Dad:** Jessie, it's only me.

**Song Playing:** And the music keeps on playing on and on...

**Jess's Dad:** Jessie? Jessie?

**Song Playing:** Red alert, red alert, it's a catastrophe But don't worry...

**Soccer boy spectators:** They don't all look like lezzies, do they?  
Check out the boobs on the captain!  
Jeez, man, they must get in the way!  
She's lucky she ain't knocked herself out running up and down the pitch with them!

**Tony:** Why can't you lot just see them as footballers? What?

**Mel:** To the side! To the side!  
Come on! Move it!  
Down one-nil. Come on!  
Over here! Over here! Come on!  
Go on, Jess!  
Jules! Over! Jules!  
Come on, Harriers!

**Jess:** Over here, Jules!

**Mel:** Go on, Jess!  
Go on! Go on!

**Jess:** - What you playing at?

**Other Player:** - Piss off, Paki!

**Jess:** Sod you.

**Referee:** - Number 7! Go away! Go away! Number 7 come here.

**Jules's Dad:** - What's the matter with you, ref?

**Referee:** - Violent conduct towards a player.

**Girl Players:** - No! You can't do that!  
You haven't seen any of it, have ya?  
It's out of order!

**Male Spectators:** She is so hard!  
Oh, man! Unlucky, Tony, mate!

**In the Changing Room Coach:** What the hell's wrong with you, Bhamra? I don't ever want to see anything like that from you ever again! We're lucky they're not suspending players from this tournament! Alright excellent! We've got QPR in the final. Give yourself three cheers - hip, hip!

**Team:** - Hurray!

**Coach:** - Hip, hip!

**Team:** - Hurray!

**Coach:** - Hip, hip!

**Team:** - Hurray!

**Coach:** - Brilliant!

**Outside Changing Room Jess:** Why did you yell at me like that? You knew the ref was out of order!

**Coach:** - Jess, you could have cost us the tournament.

**Jess:** - But it wasn't my fault! - You didn't have to shout at me!

**Coach:** - Jess, I am your coach. I have to treat you the same as everyone else. Look, Jess, I saw it. She fouled you. She tugged your shirt. You just over-reacted, that's all.

**Jess:** That's not all! She called me a Paki, but I guess you wouldn't understand what that feels like, would you?

**Coach:** Jess, I'm Irish. Of course I'd understand what that feels like.

**Jess's Dad:** Jesminder?

**Back at Jess's House Jess's Mum:** Oh, here he is. Tejinder's mother and father have come to speak to us.

**Jess's Dad:** - Are you well?

**Teet's Dad:** - Thank you, yes.

**Jess:** What's happening?

**Pinky:** Teet's mum and dad have come to eat dirt. Stupid cow! I don't know who she thinks she is in that sari!

**Teet's Mum:** No mother can stand by and watch her son go through this.

**Jess's Mum:** Well, our Pinky she didn't come out of her room for days. - She was crying.

**Teet's Mum:** - Our Teetu also. For days he ate nothing and drank nothing!

**Later Jess's Mum:** All right. Thank you for coming.

**Pinky:** Thanks, Dad! I'm getting married!

**Jess's Mum:** We'll give them a wedding party they won't forget their whole life! Find out which date the hall is free. Jessie, go and get the old wedding cards. They're in the extension. We'll change the dates by hand.

**Jess's Dad:** My name is Mohan Singh Bhamra.

**Jess's Mum:** ..and paneer tikka. We'll show them we're not poor people!

**Jess's Dad:** Will Sunday the 25th be OK?

**Jess's Mum:** - The 25th?

**Jess's Dad:** - There's a cancellation.

**Jess's Mum:** No, that's too soon, we need more time.

**Jess's Dad:** Yeah, just hold on, please. The 25th is the only available date. After that, there's no date available for five months.

**Pinky:** Oh please don't let me wait that long!

**Jess's Mum:** OK, ok fine, papa let's just do it before something else goes wrong!

**Jess:** But, Dad, the 25th...

**Jess's Dad:** Putar  
(then in phone) No, that was not for you.

**Pinky:** Oh, so excited!

**Jess's Dad:** Your sister needs you.

**At the Club Jules:** Mel said you wanted to see me.

**Coach:** It's about Jess.

**Jules:** I don't want to talk about Germany, Joe.

**Coach:** - Listen, Jules...

**Jules:** - Whatever! I'm over it! I don't even know why I was surprised! You never think about anyone but yourself! Everyone knows you're leaving us next season!

**Coach:** - Nothing's been decided.

**Jules:** - Bollocks! You've already lied about the American scout. He's never going to show up, is he? You can't bear the idea of anyone else making it because you can't!

**Coach:** He's coming to the final.

**Jules:** What?

**Coach:** He saw you play in Germany.

**Jules:** Oh. I thought...

**Coach:** Don't worry about it.

**Later at Jess's house Jules:** Jess! We all missed you at training today. Especially Joe. He, umm, he told me what happened with your dad.

**Jess:** He did?

**Jules:** Yeah. He's worried he's gotten you into even more trouble.

**Jess:** I'm really in the shit. Dad hasn't talked to me since. He'll never let me go back to join the team.

**Jules:** But you can't miss the final. Jess, there's gonna be an American scout there.

**Jess:** I can't. It's the same day as my sister's wedding.

**Jules:** Oh, shit! Well, can't you get away for a bit?

**Jess:** - You don't understand.

**Jules:** - If you give up football now, - what are you going to have to give up next?

**Jess:** - Don't rub it in, right! You came here because you need me if that bloody scout shows up.

**Jules:** Look... I came here 'cause Joe was worried about you. I'll just tell him he's wasting his bloody time!

**At Jules 's house Jules's Dad:** The teriyaki sauce is the goalkeeper. The posh French mustard is the defender. - The salt is the attacker.

**Jules's Mum:** - The sea salt?

**Jules's Dad:** The sea salt is the attacker. Now, when the ball's played forward, the sea salt has to be level with the mustard. Hello, darling. Now watch and concentrate. Offside, onside.

**Jules's Mum and Dad together:** - Offside, onside.

**Jules:** - What are you doing?

**Jules's Mum:** Well, if the mountain won't come to Mohammed...

**Jules:** What?

**Jules's Dad:** Don't laugh, I'm trying to teach your mother the offside rule.

**Jules's Mum:** I've decided that I've got to take an interest or I'm going to lose you. This way we can all enjoy football as a family. Right. So, don't tell me. The offside rule is... ..when... ..the French mustard... has to be between the teriyaki sauce and the sea salt.

**Jules's Dad:** - She's got it.

**Jules:** - Got it! - You read all these as well?

**Jules's Mum:** Yeah. Oh, and do you know what? One of those England girls' players is a maths teacher as well, and she's happily married with a baby!

**At Jess's house Jess's Mum praying:** ..Jess ..A-level results...  
..Jess...A-level results...

**Jess:** Hurry up, Mum!

**Jess opens envelope. Hands form to her Dad. Jess's Dad:** Good.

**Jess's Mum:** Thank you! Thank you!

**Jess's Dad:** Jesminder Kaur Bhamra, B.L.L.B, you can become a fine, top-class solicitor now.

**Song Playing:** Clean and serene Dream Dream the dream Clean And serene Dream Dream the dream Clean And serene Dream Dream the dream.

**At Club Jules:** She's not coming, Joe. - Her sister's wedding's on Sunday.

**Coach:** - Shit!

**Jules:** Guess I'm on my own, then.

**Coach:** You'll impress the scout. No worries. - How was she?

**Jules:** - A right stroppy cow, actually. She's really pissed off she can't make it and she doesn't know what to do.

**Coach (training Mel to take Jess's place):** Go on. Kick the balk. Kick the ball. Kick the ball. Three players coming behind you the whole time. hunting you.

**Inside Jess's house a Reception. Outside Jess's house Jess's Dad:** Yes?

**Coach:** I'm sorry to bother you like this.

**Jess's Dad:** - I don't have anything to say to you, ok?

**Coach:** - I appreciate it and I won't keep you long from your celebrations, but I wanted you to know that there's a scout coming to our final match tomorrow.

**Jess's Dad:** So?

**Coach:** So, it's the opportunity of a lifetime for Jess. Please, Mr Bhamra, - don't let her talent go to waste.

**Jess's Dad:** - Thank you.

**Jess:** What did he say, Dad?

**Jess's Dad:** Don't play with your future, putar.

**Jess:** Wait! I'm sorry about the final.

**Coach:** No, I'm sorry, Jess.

**Jess:** I got my results. I'm starting university soon. I won't have time to train and stuff.

**Coach:** Now that's a shame. I could have seen you play for England some day. - Jules still has a shot.

**Jess:** - She told me about the scout coming. - Sorry I'm letting her down.

**Coach:** - That scout's coming for you, too. - He's interested in both of you.

**Jess:** - Me?! Why are you doing this to me, Joe? Every time I talk myself out of it, you come around and make it sound so easy.

**Coach:** I guess I don't want to give up on you. So, are you promised to one of those blokes in there?

**Jess:** No, don't be silly! I'm not promised to anyone.

**Coach:** You're lucky...to have a family that cares that much about you. I can understand you don't want to mess with it.

**Jess:** Joe...

**Coach:** And I don't fancy being busted by your dad again. You'd better get back. I hope all goes well for you tomorrow, and good luck with your studies. Come and see us some time.

**Outside Jules's house Jules's Dad:** Let's hope she fits in the car with that hat on. We're going to a football match not Ascot! You look lovely.

**Outside Jess's House Photographer:** Beautiful...  
Eyes down! Look sad!  
Don't smile! Indian brides never smile.  
You'll ruin the bloody video!

**Wedding guest girls:** - What does she look like  
- She looks like a jar of bloody Ragu, innit?

**Pinky:** Where's the flippin' Rolls? Can't anything happen without me?!

**Song Playing:** Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... You gave me something like loving And took me in so soon You took my feelings from nothing Came back at noon Just meet me, I'm ready To show myself to you So if I lose my patience You must try to understand Try to understand If I lose my patience Oh, yeah 'Cause you make me feel Yeah, yeah 'Cause you make me feel wild (yeah, yeah) You touch my inner smile Yeah, yeah You got me in the mood (yeah, yeah) So come on, make your rule and free me...

**Jess:** Tony, what are you doing?!

**Tony:** We can still make the second half if we leave now.

**Jess:** You're mad. My mum and dad will go spare! Anyway, I've just got to put them first today.

**Tony:** - So many people in there, they won't even notice.

**Jess:** - I can't! Look at how happy they are Tony, I don't want to ruin it for them.

**Jess's Dad:** - What are you going to ruin?

**Jess:** - Nothing, it's ok.

**Tony:** It's the final of the football tournament. We can pick up the kit on the way. I can drive her there and back. It won't take long.

**Jess:** Stop it, Tony. Dad it doesn't matter. This is much more important. I don't want to spoil the day for you and Mum.

**Jess's Dad:** Pinky is so happy and you look as if you've come to your father's funeral.

**Jess:** I'm sorry, Dad.

**Jess's Dad:** If this is the only way I'm going to see you smiling on your sister's wedding day, then go now, but when you come back, I want to see you happy on the video. Play well and make us proud.

**At the game Jess:** Joe! What's happening?

**Coach:** Start warming up Bhamra. We're one-nil down, half an hour to go.

**Opposite Team Girl Player:** Come on, ref!

**Coach sending Jess on:** Ref!

**Mel:** Form a wall! Form a wall!

**Spectator Boy shouts:** Well done!

**Back at Jess's house Jess's Mum:** Have any of you seen Jesminder? Jesminder! Jesminder?

**Back at Game Coach:** Go on, Jules!  
One-all!

**As Jess takes the penalty - Song Playing - Nessun dorma:**  
Il nome suo nessun sapra  
E noi dovrem ahime, morir, morir  
Dilegua, o notte!  
Tramontate, stelle!  
Tramontate, stelle!  
All'alba vincero! Vincero! Vincero! Vincero!

_(Translation "None shall sleep": His name no one will know and we must, alas, die, die. Vanish, o night! Fade, stars! Fade, stars! At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!)_

**After Game Soccer Team Girls:** Where does this bit go?  
You're doing it wrong. Round that way.  
Tuck it in. Tuck it in.  
You've got your shorts on.  
Where does that bit go?  
Lift your leg up.

**Coach:** - Paxton, Bhamra, are you decent?

**Jules and Jess:** - Yes!

**In the Crowd Jules's Mum:** Oh, is that the coach? - Who's that?

**Jules's Dad:** - Dunno. He looks important.

**Jules's Mum:** - Yeah.

**Jules's Dad:** - I haven't seen him before. - Look how happy she is though.

**Jules's Mum:** - I know.

**The two girls squeal, kiss and hug. Then in the Family Car Jules:** Dad I can't believe it! It was amazing! My eyes just glazed over! What a game for him to see! It's incredible! Santa Clara! It's in California! It's like one of the top teams! He said he'd even give us a full scholarship which means you wouldn't have to pay nothing! Oh, it's so amazing! Me and Jess there together, the pair of us!

**At Jules's house Jules's Mum:** I'm not blaming you but it is the football. It is!

**Jules's Dad:** Come on, darling. Come on.

**Jules:** I'm off, then!

**Jules's Mum:** Sweetheart, where are you going in your best trousers?

**Jules:** - Out.

**Jules's Mum:** - Where? Who with?

**Jules:** I'm meeting Jess at her sister's wedding to celebrate.

**Jules's Mum:** - Wait! I'll take you.

**Jules:** - Oh, thanks, Mum! God, it's so colourful. Everyone looks brilliant! Look at the car!

**Jess:** - How are you?

**Jules:** - You look gorgeous! - Mum...

**Jess:** - Hello, Mrs Paxton.

**Jules's Mum:** How could you be such a hypocrite? How could you be all respectful here with your lot when I know you've been kissing my daughter in broad daylight?!  
Hmm?  
Get your lesbian feet out of my shoes!

**Wedding Guest:** Lesbian? Her birthday's in March. I thought she was a Pisces.

**Other Wedding Guest:** She no Lebanese. She Punjabi!

**Pinky:** Do you mind yeah? But this just happens to be my wedding!

**Jules's Mum:** - Sorry. - How could you do this, sweetheart?

**Jules:** What is wrong with you?! What are you talking about.

**In Pinky's wedding car Pinky:** What the bleeding hell's going on? What's that gora going on about you being a lezbo? - I thought you fancied your coach!

**Jess:** - I don't know what she was saying!

**Pinky:** Jess, don't you want all of this? This is the best day of your life, innit?

**Jess:** I want more than this. They've offered me and Jules a scholarship to go to America.

**Pinky:** But there's no way Dad will let you go and live abroad without getting married first.

**Jules:** - What the bloody hell were you thinking?!

**Jules's Mum:** - Julia I saw you with my own eyes! You were kissing after your match! I'm not stupid, you know! And anyway, look at the clothes you wear!

**Jules:** Mother, just because I wear trackies and play sport does not make me a lesbian! Me and Jess were fighting because we both fancied our coach - Joe!

**Jules's Mum:** - Joe, a man, Joe?

**Jules:** - Yeah, as in male - Joe! Joe, our coach! Joe, man, Joe! Anyway, being a lesbian is not that big a deal.

**Jules's Mum:** Oh, no, sweetheart, of course it isn't. No! No! I've got nothing against it. I was cheering for Martina Navratilova as much as the next person.

**Wedding Guest:** I couldn't understand what that English woman was saying?  
- Why was she talking about kissing?

**Jess's Mum:** - I think she got confused like Teetu's parents.  
It's so hard when young girls have such short hair.

**Jess's Dad:** Maybe we were making too much noise.

**Other Wedding Guest:** English people are always complaining when we're having functions.  
Why did she take Jesminder's shoes?

**Back in House Jess:** How am I going to tell 'em, Tony? I'll have to now or I'll end up a solicitor, bored out of my mind.

**Tony:** Come with me. Mum, Uncle, Auntie... We've got something we want to tell you.

**Wedding Guest:** Why is he holding her hand?

**Tony:** You know how we've been good friends for a long time now. We'd like to ask for your blessings. We'd like to get engaged. But look there's one condition - I want Jesminder to go to college first, anywhere that she wants.

**Jess's Dad:** Of course, putar!

**Jess's Mum:** Well, we have relatives all the way in Glasgow, in Portsmouth...

**Jess:** Mum, Dad... Tony's lying. We're not getting married. Tony only said that to help me, but I'm not lying any more. I played in the final today, and we won!

**Jess's Mum:** - How? When?

**Jess:** - I wasn't going to go but Dad let me. And it was brilliant. I played the best ever! And I was happy because I wasn't sneaking off and lying to you! I didn't ask to be good at football. Guru Nanak must have blessed me. Anyway, there was a scout from America there today, and he's offered me a place at a top university with a free scholarship and a chance to play football professionally, and I really want to go, and if I can't tell you what I want now, then I'll never be happy, whatever I do.

**Jess's Mum:** You let her leave her sister's wedding to go to a football match?!

**Jess's Dad:** Maybe you could handle her long face, I could not. I didn't have the heart to stop her.

**Jess's Mum:** And that's why she's ready to go all the way to America now!

**Wedding Guest:** She's dead, man!

**Tony:** It's all right, Mum, just leave it.

**Jess's Dad:** When those bloody English cricket players threw me out of their club like a dog... ..I never complained. On the contrary, I vowed that I will never play again. Who suffered? Me. But I don't want Jessie to suffer. I don't want her to make the same mistakes that her father made of accepting life, accepting situations. I want her to fight. And I want her to win... ..because I've seen her play. She is, she is brilliant! I don't think anybody has the right of stopping her. Two daughters made happy in one day. What else can a father ask for?

**Jess's Mum:** At least I've taught her full Indian dinner. The rest is up to God.

**At the Field Jess:** Joe! I'm going! They said I could go! Sorry. I forgot.

**Joe:** It's OK now. I'm not your coach any more. We can do what we want.

**Jess:** - Joe...

**Joe:** - Your dad's not here, is he?

**Jess:** I'm sorry, Joe. I can't.

**Joe:** I thought you wanted...

**Jess:** Letting me go is a really big step for my mum and dad. I don't know how they'd survive if I told them about you, too.

**Joe:** I guess there's not much point with you going to America anyway, is there?

**Jess slowly shakes her head**

**Later at the airport Jules:** - Mum, it's not perfume, is it?

**Jules's Mum:** - No. It's not what you think.

**Jules's Dad:** It was your mum's idea.

**Jules:** Oh! Thank you so much!

**Jess's Mum:** Make sure you keep this by your bed all the time, huh. And phone Papu Uncle in Canada as soon as you land. At least there's some family close by.

**Jules's Dad:** Excuse me. It's getting really late. You'd better board the plane.

**Joe:** Jess!

**Jess's Dad:** Don't worry. That's her coach.

**Jess:** What are you doing here?

**Joe:** They offered me the job, coaching the men's side. - No more pulling pints.

**Jess:** - That's great, Joe!

**Joe:** Yeah. I turned them down.

**Jess:** - What, why did you...?

**Joe:** - They're going to let me coach the girls' side. They want us to turn pro next year. Can't keep losing my best players to the Yanks now, can I?

**Jess:** That's brilliant Joe! You should tell your dad, you know.

**Joe:** I already did.

**Jess's Mum:** Are you sure we're doing the right thing?

**Jess's Dad:** Whatever God has written for her will happen.

**Joe:** - Maybe after they've trained you up, I'll sign you if I can afford you!

**Jess:** - Yeah, you wish!

**Joe:** Look... - I can't let you go without knowing.

**Jess:** - What?

**Joe:** That even with the distance and the concerns of your family, we might still have something. What do you think?

**They kiss**

**Jules:** Oh, my God, Dad it's Beckham! Oh, it's a sign! Jess, it's Becks!

**Song Playing:** 'Cause you make me feel (Yeah, yeah) 'Cause you make me feel...

**Jess:** I'm back at Christmas. We'll tackle my mum and dad then. I'd better go.

**Joe:** - Jules, take care of yourself.

**Jules:** - Ok, see ya later, mate.

**Joe:** - Have a good time.

**Jules:** - Yeah, and you.

**Jules's Dad:** Come on, you two, you're gonna miss this plane. Ticket. Go! Go!

**Jules:** See you later. Come on!

**Jules's Mum:** Bye, sweetheart!

**Song Playing:** Just move on up...

**Accepting tissue from Jess's Mum, Jules's Mum:** Oh, thank you.

**Jules's Dad:** Hello. Nice to meet you.

**Later Jules's Mum and Dad opening parcel Jules's Dad:** Come on. Let's have a look. Sweatshirts! Look at that!

**Song Playing:** Just move on up! Move on up! Move on up... Well, move on up! Move on up! Yes! No, no, no. Oh, yes, yes! Feeling hot, hot, hot! Feeling hot, hot, hot! Feeling hot, hot, hot! - How ya feeling? - Hot, hot, hot! - How ya feeling? - Hot, hot, hot! - How ya feeling? - Hot, hot, hot! - How ya feeling? - Hot, hot, hot! I've totally forgotten the line! Feeling hot, hot, hot! Feeling hot, hot, hot! Feeling hot, hot, hot! Feeling hot, hot, hot... Excellent! Thank you! Laters!


End file.
